I Wanted a Girl :: Confessions of a Boy Mom

I’m a planner. You can ask my coworkers, my son’s teachers, or my husband. So when it was time to “plan” for baby number two, I was ready! I knew that I wanted to take maternity leave over Thanksgiving and Christmas, because my employer didn’t allow time off for both holidays. (See what I mean? A planner.) That meant we needed to start trying in January – BOOM – we immediately got pregnant! Things were going smoothly, but it felt much different than my first pregnancy. This obviously meant I was carrying a girl! When the day of my sonogram arrived, I walked into my appointment happily thinking that things were going according to my plan: I would be pleasantly {un}suprised to find out I was having a baby girl, and my little family would be complete!

Thirty minutes later, I was in SHOCK. It was definitely a boy holed up in my uterus. I texted a friend to let her know there would be no dance or cheer in my future. When I went back to work, no one could believe it either. I had talked so much about having a girl that we were ALL in disbelief.

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Fast forward 3 months, and that little guy was still causing trouble. I wasn’t due for another 3 weeks, so I stayed in bed most of the weekend. On Sunday afternoon, I decided to go to Target for a stroll and started having some contractions. Throughout the night they just kept coming, so around 4am we dropped our older son off at my parents and headed up to the hospital. That morning Jacoby entered the world! Because I wanted a girl, we hadn’t even chosen a name yet. I couldn’t settle on one – in the back of my mind I was still hoping the sonogram was wrong; that out would come a little girl. I even cried for a minute when they let me hold him and everyone else left the room. The nurse saw my tears falling when I was alone and holding him. Little did she know that I wasn’t overwhelmed because I’d just given birth to a baby, but because I knew deep down that he wasn’t the girl I “wanted.”

Now that baby is three years old and a handful to say the least! He is definitely not the little girl I dreamed of, but sometimes he tells me how much he loves my dresses and likes to play in my jewelry and high heels. He also has a penchant for watching “girl” shows. However, given the option he would much rather be the “bad guy” and knock down my castle or play even rougher than his older brother ever imagined a younger brother could play. I’m constantly telling him to be nice to his big brother and not be so mean.

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The hurt is still there, sitting under all the layers of love that this snuggly little guy gives me. A while back, our school had a mother/daughter tea party, and the photos of the moms and daughters in their fancy dresses and hats made my heart ache. A few weekends ago, I attended my niece’s dance recital. Tears stung my eyes again, there will be no girls and I won’t get to sit in the audience as a mother. It’s hard because this isn’t how moms are supposed to feel, but I think it’s a secret that some moms share silently. When they look out and see the child of the opposite sex that they want but don’t have. Of course, some would say to keep trying but who’s to say that there wouldn’t be another boy? My grandma had 4 boys before she had a girl, and then 3 more boys before her final girl!

Boy Mom 1

I can say that I don’t believe there are more babies in my future (although, as I’ve learned, it’s not my plan that is being followed). All I know for sure is that even though my days aren’t filled with bows and dresses, my nights are still filled with the snuggles and kisses of two little boys who are my world. And all the love I thought I had for a little girl is now reserved for some super special little boys who have my whole heart.

Kendra Fernandez
Kendra lives in Derby with her husband Leonard and her two boys- Leo and Jacoby. She works in downtown Wichita but spends most of the rest of her waking hours wrangling two crazy boys. You will more than likely find them at a game or practice. Besides spending time with her family Kendra loves to read and watch Game of Thrones, HGTV marathons and the Royals! She is also very active in PTO at her sons' school and is always trying to find ways to interact with other parents.