Disclosure : Thank you to Heartland Women’s Group Gynecology and Obstetrics Services for sponsoring this post and to Dr. Hague for sharing her expertise with our community of moms.
I have seen many teenagers who told me their parents never talked to them about sex. I believe them because many of my patients who are parents tell me they are uncomfortable talking to their kids, and many leave it to the school system to educate their children. I would like to give you some pointers on discussing sensitive topics with your kids.
We know that teens are experimenting sexually at younger ages, they are experiencing the physical ramifications of early experimentation (disease, illness, pregnancy) and they are going into adulthood with the emotional baggage of poor choices.
When I talk to teenagers about sex, I like to compare it to driving. The thrill of the open road, freedom to explore and get out of town, and the enjoyment of driving a fun car are all part of the experience. Driving is awesome in the right context – alert driver, safe car, good driving conditions. However, throw in some alcohol, faulty brakes, or inadequate signage on the road and driving can be deadly.
Sex is the same way. In the right context, it is one of life’s greatest joys. In the wrong context, it can cause permanent physical and emotional harm.
We should not think of “The Talk” as a one-time parenting obligation. Instead, we should be having an ongoing conversation with our children that prepare them for enjoying sexual intimacy at the right time, in the right context.
Start Young
Where do you begin? From the time they are toddlers, talk to them about sexual health and development. When they are little, teach them about appropriate touch. I like to use the term “special parts” with the little ones. Tell them that only Mommy and Daddy are allowed to touch their special parts – the parts that are under their underwear – and that is only to keep them healthy.
We must teach them from a young age that those special parts are not to be touched by other people and they are not to touch anyone else’s special parts. I also encourage parents to use correct terminology for the body parts and avoid using slang, as it only confuses them. Make sure you are present during sensitive exams with a doctor, and continue the conversation about appropriate touch in that setting.
Consistency is Key
As children get into school age, continue to reinforce that they are to dress appropriately and keep certain parts of their body covered. This is a much easier conversation if you start talking about modesty and appropriate dress at the ages of 5, 6, and 7 than if you wait until they are 16. Don’t let them wear something at 5 that you wouldn’t let them wear at 16. Consistency in our message is key.
Once they hit 8, 9, or 10 years of age and are starting to experience some of the changes associated with puberty, children usually become much more curious about their bodies. There are a lot of age-appropriate books that can help you talk to them about puberty and what they can expect. American Girl Doll published a book called “The Care and Keeping of You” that is very informative for girls and has practical advice. This is also the point at which I recommend reinforcing that no one should ever touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Make sure they know and trust some adults that they could talk to if they had a problem and you were not available for some reason.
Puberty Years
Teach young men to respect women, and while you’re at it – let’s bring back chivalry! Make sure they know it is not appropriate for them to look at or touch someone else’s special parts or for anyone to look at or touch theirs.
Once children start puberty, make sure they are seeing a medical provider they trust. In my office, we have a talk about some of the changes their body is going through, and I remind them that no one should touch them without their permission. I tell them to call any time, especially if they are violated in some way so that we can help them. We also talk about avoiding unsafe situations, and I encourage them to talk to their parents about their choices.
This is obviously only a brief overview, but I hope it gives you a starting point and helps you have more confidence approaching the topic of sexual intimacy with your kids. By making it an ongoing conversation, you can reduce the awkwardness and improve communication. We want to protect them as much as we can, and part of protecting them is giving them the knowledge and tools they need to make healthy life choices.
** This blog post was written to serve as guidance on talking with your children and should not be taken as concrete medical advice. As with any medical questions or concerns, please make an appointment with your physician to discuss your own personal situation and treatment options.
Dr. Melissa Hague is a board certified obstetrician and gynecologist who practices at Heartland Women’s Group in Wichita, Kan. Dr. Hague specializes in robotic surgery, laparoscopic surgery, uterine prolapse, incontinence, high risk obstetrics, adolescent gynecology, female sexual dysfunction and symptoms such as low sexual drive and sexual pain. She received her doctorate and completed her residency at the University of Kansas School of Medicine. For more information, visit www.heartlandwomensgroup.com or call 316-858-7100 for an appointment with Dr. Hague.
Such great advice and powerful information. What is also important to remember is that, even when you do these things, nothing is certain. We recently learned that our 15 year old daughter is pregnant. She and I have a close relationship, and I provided all of the age appropriate information that was shared in this article, as well as consistent and open talk when she began dating her boyfriend over a year ago. Our most recent talk was one week before she became pregnant. At that moment, she and her boyfriend were still committed to their individual purity and the boundaries of the other. What wasn’t considered was their friendship and comfort level. They are two incredible children from two great families that were proactive. We never know what God will bring.
My advice on the other side is to continue the talks, knowing that free will is also alive and growing with your child. And, should your child or your child’s girlfriend become pregnant, love her/him. They need you more now than they ever have. This is not the time for lectures, punishment or shame. Stand on both sides of the fence as loving parent, and supportive adult. Take time for yourself and surround yourself with loving friends to help you when you feel emotional…because you’re going to need the strength when your son or daughter calls for your help!
What a wonderfully supportive mother you are – thank you so much for sharing!