I’ll always be the Mom.
It’s been about a year and a half since I left my oldest in front of his dorm at college. Somehow I had survived senior year, graduation, freshman orientation and moving him into college. It was hard for me to accept that my son did not live at home full-time anymore. His growth, success, failure, changes in his opinions, friends would continue and I would be none the wiser until he deemed to tell me so. No more nightly dinners, no more “I love you mom” as he turned in for the night. Those days were over and I could never get them back. I kept repeating the phrase “I’ll always be the mom” but I didn’t fully understand my new mom role.
Turning out self-sufficient, functioning adults is the end goal for every parent. As Isaac continued to thrive at school, I reminded myself we were both doing our jobs well. I just wish parenting college kids came with better books. I still cried when we dropped him off for his sophomore year, but it was different. Now I knew exactly how empty the house would seem. But I also knew how much my son was looking forward to his return to school.
Changes Coming
A few weeks into his next semester, my son, who is more likely to send a text, called instead. I don’t know what the official term is but the oldest was in the weeds in a class that was mandatory for his major. He needed to pass this class with flying colors to realize all his life goals and dreams. This class was hard and his resolve was failing and he wanted my advice.
My first thought: Oh my gosh! I’m still the mom!! This is what it looks like!
Second thought: I have absolutely no idea what I am doing! Again.
College kids handle their own academics so I was flying blind. I didn’t really know if his current concerns were due to a lack of effort on his part or whether this was academic territory he was never going to master. My brain was scrambling to come up with the EXACT RIGHT thing to say to make everything better. Should I encourage him to stick it out? Should I encourage him to let his old dreams evolve into something new? Should I remind him he could move home and commute to a closer college?
Through the swirling of “What should I do?” I heard the voices of all the wise women in my circle: first I offered him unconditional love. Then I remembered the best lesson I’ve ever learned from my boss at work: I waited and I listened and I let my college kid talk it out. This was all new territory for both of us.
A New Phase of Parenting
This new phase of parenting is just as scary as bringing that kid home from the hospital, sitting him in the bassinet and thinking “now what?” We’ve had several follow-up conversations where again I mostly listened, encouraged him to follow his gut, and reminded him he is loved beyond measure. I have resolved to not squash any of his dreams. I will support his choices and decisions. I passed along some helpful advice from a dear friend who is also a college adviser. I’ve googled a lot of scary stuff so I can recognize if my kid’s mood shifts into darker territory. My first job as mom was often the fixer. Now, he fixes himself. But as his mom, I can offer him the encouragement he needs to get it done.
Better Together
I am continuing to learn what it means to “still be the mom.” Our role changes when our kids change and I for one love and dread those changes simultaneously. Throughout every shift, I am thankful to have friends who are mothering in different stages. They remind me where I’ve been and show me where I’m going. I hope I do the same for them. A few weeks ago, I was sitting across the table from one of my most cherished friends and mom mentors. She was holding back tears talking about her teenager’s most recent birthday and how these precious years of little ones at home were coming to an end. I hope she saw the sincerity in my eyes when I assured her it absolutely will look different as they grow up, but we will ALWAYS be their moms.
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