As the only stepmom contributor on Wichita Moms Blog, I’ve felt like it was my duty to address some of the things the stepparents in our community might relate to! As I described in my intro post, I have five children: three that became mine when I married my husband, and two that I’ve given birth to since. There are a lot of things that I expected about becoming a stepparent, but there are others that I wholly did not expect. Here are some of my confessions:
5. Holidays are tough in a way I never imagined. I’ve been a part of my stepchildren’s lives for over eight years now, serving five of those years with the official “stepmom” title. Before, I knew abstractly that holidays must be tough on kids who come from divorced families, because they get shuffled around and miss holidays with one parent or the other. However, there is much more to it than that, and it’s hard on everyone. For example, the “gifts” students make at school for parents is always a struggle. I can tell that my kids feel uncomfortable when they don’t have enough of their homemade gifts to share with both houses at Christmas, or when they only got to make one Mother’s Day present and worry about leaving someone out. We have come up with ways to deal help them feel better about this (making more gifts at home, asking their teachers to let them make another, suggesting they alternate who they give them to, etc.), but it’s still an awkward aspect of our situation that I previously didn’t give much thought.
4. My family really gets it. A little part of me used to worry that my stepchildren wouldn’t feel like they were a part of my family. I have been completely blown away by how amazing my family has been. My parents love the kids as if they’d known them since they were born, and often have the kids over or take them to fun outings. Although most of my extended family lives out of town, they have been great, too. Aunts and uncles and great-grandparents brought them right into the fold, always remembering to include them when getting gifts for the kids of the family and teasing them like any other niece, nephew, or grandchild.
3. I am defensive of my relationship with my stepkids. Even before I became their official stepparent, I took these children into my heart as my own. I have been there when they were sick, learned to ride a bike without training wheels, or needed help on homework. To me, I have been a parent for eight years, so I am sometimes shocked at how others seem to assume that my stepchildren are somehow “lesser” children to me. I never really even picked up on it until I became pregnant with our fourth and people occasionally made (probably innocent) comments that suggested I would now “know what it’s like to be a mom” or indicated that “it’s just different when you have your own kids.” Actually, it isn’t. I love my stepchildren every bit as much as my “own” kids, and my heart often aches for my stepchildren and the challenges they face in a way that it may never even ache for my “own” children.
2. Sometimes, my own kids call me by my first name. Although I always knew I wanted more children, it never occurred to me how my relationship with my stepchildren might affect my relationship with my “own” children. For example, my three-year-old son often calls me “Jordan.” He hears the other kids call me Jordan, so he doesn’t understand why he can’t, too! I know it’s innocent, and it doesn’t bother me (although I do love hearing “Mommy”), but it sure does shock other people when they hear it.
1. My husband’s ex is closer than my own family. This was the biggest shock of all! When I became a stepparent, I knew that the kids’ mom would be a part of my life forever. What I didn’t expect is that she would become even closer than some of my own family. We talk and see each other more often than anyone outside of my husband and kids, and we share a love for the same children that often brings us together in a way I’d never imagined. Yes, it’s a tough and emotional balance to maintain at times, but I’m thankful that this turned out differently than I ever expected.
What surprised YOU about being a stepmom?
Will you not post me prior comment? I dont like that my picutre is there. I forgot I set that up a few years ago and 2ant this anonymous. Thanks
I’ve seen a lot of these step-parent write ups but this one has stood out to me the most. I have one step and 2 non-step children. My kids often call me Susie and just think it’s funny but I, like you, like the mom title. I love my step-daughter every bit as much as my “own” children but do ache for her more sometimes as I hate she has to go through being passed around on the holidays. However, she is truly blessed…even if she never has enough time with either of her families, she has two families full of love for her! My biggest dislike is when people ask why I don’t just tell people I have three kids, instead I tell them I have 2 of my own and 1 step. I don’t do this to show her any less love, I do this because she has an amazing mom that has done an amazing job and I would hate to take credit away from her. Our relationship is not the same as a mother and daughter, it’s between a mother and step-daughter, and that’s a great thing!!
Stepmoms represent!! I am the lone stepmom blogger for Denver Mom’s, and resonated with a lot of what you said, esp #3 and #4. So grateful for your perspective!! Can’t wait to read more from you!
I LOVE that you say that your step children are loved as much as your own! My step children are 3 and 5 and it’s almost taboo to tell people that you love them just as much as your biological children. We have them every week and there is nothing I won’t do. Vomit, parent teacher meetings, kissing booboos, potty training. It’s wonderful reading and knowing other step moms go through it too!