We recognize that sometimes the things we feel we can’t talk about are the things others also feel unable to discuss – this post has been published anonymously as part of a series to engage our community in those difficult conversations. Click here to read more posts from this series.
Before you make any assumptions (because #momguilt is a real thing), please allow me to explain all the details. This decision to part with dad was not lacking an honest try or a lot of struggle. Before my split with my husband, I was TERRIFIED. How could I possibly stand being without my children for a single day? No way. Never, ever could I. The thought of it made me sick.
Fast forward. . .
I have found that I am grateful beyond words.
Days before I shared my children were longer than I knew there were hours in the day. Showers? Twice a week, at most and both kids ended up being rotated in with me…so I didn’t even get all of the well-deserved hot water in its entirety…yes, that is sad. Bigger than the cold showers, I actually had lost myself. I forgot what I loved. I didn’t know how to spend time alone anymore. Something I once loved was actually uncomfortable. I didn’t know what needed to change. Only that I was sad.
My breakup was tragic, and I still find myself upset. But what I want to share is my story of success and survival through facing fears of sharing my children. The time I have without them has become precious. I am discovering myself and time I have alone has become a huge part of that journey. My partner is a great dad, but with me around, was incredibly reliant on my mothering and I found myself serving everyone’s needs except my own. I didn’t exercise anymore. I didn’t talk to my friends. I didn’t read. I didn’t journal. I didn’t have a hobby. Even stopping by the grocery store was stressful. I found my partner checking in at the 45-minute mark to see when exactly I would be home because the kids were always having a meltdown and “missed mommy”. I love my children. I have to believe that most of us do, but the guilt turned to animosity and the animosity turned into resentment.
Before I knew it, I began to wish I wasn’t a mom anymore.
There wasn’t a night I didn’t put the kids to bed by myself. There were few moments I got to eat warm food. I didn’t know what I loved anymore. I used to enjoy hobbies, and when I was out could have a conversation that wasn’t clouded with worry about how the children were. To be clear, I would repeat any of this for my kids any day of the week, but I am so thankful that I don’t need to.
Honestly, I am a better human for it, and so is their dad.
When my partner and I split, it was liberation for all. He now got to parent without my interference, and I without his. We met in the middle and found that we were far better negotiators AND communicators for it because we needed to be. We love them so much, and I am finding that we try to be better behaved and kinder to one another for the sake of co-parenting together. So, with a grain of salt, I offer my humble opinion. It’s not for everyone. This is a judgment free zone, so free yourself from the hostage situation of guilt and remorse. I promote fighting for your relationship FIRST, but know this, if that isn’t working, life is short and there is someone out there that understands that you can co-parent without guilt and STILL ENJOY LIFE.
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