I like everyone to think that I have the cutest, perfectly well-behaved children. But the reality is that our son is constantly in trouble and into everything! He climbs, jumps, flips, flaps, rocks, spins, runs, and does exactly opposite of what we tell him to do. I often feel like I am the worst mother ever. When Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) became a suggested label for our son by everyone but our neurologist, it wasn’t something I grabbed and held onto – it became something I obsessed about avoiding. power struggles
I know what you are thinking, “Oh my. She needs to control her kid! He just needs a good spanking/ timeout/whatever.” But seriously, everyone has Oppositional Defiance Disorder to some degree, right? Have you ever put in for vacation only to be told by your boss, “Sorry, no. Not going to happen that week.” Remember how that made you feel? Out of control and completely helpless? Imagine feeling like that, but not having any insight on how to cope with the problem. This is what our son goes through on a daily basis.
Here are a few things we do to help ourselves and our son cope with life’s everyday oppositions:
- Breathe. I use this quick moment to determine if my son is looking for a reaction from me or if he legitimately has no clue as to what he has done that is inappropriate. If it is harmful, I intervene immediately, if not, I play out our designated “behavior plan”.
- Don’t engage. This is by far the HARDEST thing for my husband (and me during PMS week!). Truthfully, though, can you argue with someone who won’t argue? Trust me, there is a small level of satisfaction that occurs when you don’t get in the last word.
- Offer choices OFTEN. A lot of the time, our son will use undesirable behavior to feel like he is controlling situations. To prevent this, we offer him choices throughout his day that give him control. Before you strike this off your list, it is super easy to implement and often requires little preparation. We start in the morning with breakfast choice – and typically limit it between two things throughout the day, like strawberry or blueberry toothpaste. Gross, right? But now he is in control and doing a task that is normally a struggle in our morning routine. “Do you want a hot dog or a sandwich for dinner?” Of course, our kid says, “Fish,” and while I’d love to indulge him in the healthier eating option, I won’t, even if I have fresh fish available. Giving in now to this request will mean tomorrow there will be a battle of epic proportions…so for now, I redirect him back to the two choices. (He has gone to bed without dinner before, and guess what? The sun came up again the next day, and our son was still breathing. Again, I may have not technically won that battle, but the next evening when the same two choices were given, he accepted the hot dog.) We end the day with, “Shower or bath?”
- Take a time out if you need one. Parenting is rough! Make sure you can take a break once in a while. Pick any activity: friends, wine, chocolate – whatever gets lets you take time to breathe and regroup.
- Follow through. Do what you say you are going to do. Fill in the blanks: “If you don’t quit ______, I’m going to _____.” Then do it! I set the timer for everything so it reinforces me without having to say anything. Remember those famous last words, “Last chance…”? We don’t do the whole counting thing. I can’t remember if we ever did or not, but seriously, what happens when you get to the #3? Time out is usually a perfect solution for both my son and me so I just get straight to it.
Articulating our expectations of his behavior and what he can expect from us to help him endure difficulties is our solid winning game plan.
