I met my husband at seventeen. We were young, we fell in love, and we got married. This year, we will be married ten years. A whole decade later, I can’t help but wonder what happened to my marriage?
OK, let’s just call it like it is. We had kids. Five years after our “I Dos” we said, “we’re pregnant” and life for those two love birds changed dramatically. Having our first child tested our marriage more than we anticipated and can only now admit. We were drowning and we did not yet have the skills to rescue ourselves nor each other. I remember having a distinct conversation about how much motherhood had rocked me to my core and my dear sweet husband said, “I don’t think it has changed my life all that much.” That was a bold face lie. Becoming a parent was equally as hard on him as it was on me, he just hadn’t paused long enough since we brought our daughter home to see what was unraveling around us.
And, we almost broke. We almost broke because we did not communicate. Don’t get me wrong, we communicated, it was just the same way we did before we had kids. You know, when we weren’t sleep deprived, interrupted, or had conflicting priorities. Moreover, up until parenthood, we were each other’s partner, but we did not need each other to collectively accomplish a goal. For example, we both went to get graduate degrees, and while the other person was cheering and supporting from the sidelines, we did not need our partner to actually help us get the work done. We were not interdependent, and it worked for us.
Until it didn’t.
We almost didn’t survive year six of our marriage. We decided though, that we could and would do better. Three things made a mountain of difference in how we care for ourselves, each other and our family.
First, we would grant grace. And we would grant more grace. Both of us were trying so hard and often missing the mark. We would show empathy for the other, forgive more easily, and simply be kind. My husband would say we accepted and appreciated our partner for who they are. There are things about who we are that will simply not change. We learned to love them about ourselves and our partner.
Next, we would communicate to the point of over-communication. We would not get mad if the other person simply could not read our mind. We would share our thoughts and concerns without fear. We would actively listen to each other. We would hold each other accountable for poor communication.
Lastly, we would not stop growing. I owe this mostly to my husband who has insatiable desire to learn. For me, I became easily consumed with just surviving motherhood; I was losing myself. We would vigorously seek out ways to improve and grow as individuals. We would share our knowledge with our family. We would not stop trying new things.
There is a lot of advice you can get on building a strong marriage or getting through tough times with your spouse. Trust me, I did the Google search. For our relationship, these three recurring themes became the foundation of our newly redefined marriage redefined. And we work on them every single day. They are intentional acts necessary for every person in our family to thrive.
So, ten years, two kids, five dogs, eight moves – what happened to my marriage? It became a lot of work, but that’s what makes it so good.
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Year 6 was really hard on our marriage for much of the same reasons. So glad you all worked through it. We did too, but it is still challenging sometimes. Our second baby went much better than our first. But I do miss the dynamic of when it was more simple and just the two of us, before kids. I would never go back though. Love my kiddos, love our family.