Maybe it’s because I got married later than I thought I would (age 28) or maybe it’s because I know I married a keeper. Either way, I am radical about my marriage.
During the long dating period called my 20s, I encountered an adage about marriage that I memorized: “The grass isn’t greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it.” I decided that if I ever got married, I would do my best to ‘water’ my marriage to keep it green and thriving.
Fortunately I did get married, and soon I discovered the many challenges to marriage. Our first challenge was tackling my hefty student debt together. This revealed that I am naturally a ‘spender’ and he is naturally a ‘saver’ – a clashing situation indeed. The second hurdle drastically reduced our time together because my husband decided to go back to school and get an MBA, and then study a year and a half for a CPA. He was in school or studying for the first 4 out of 5 years of marriage. We realized the only time we could talk was at dinner each night. This made ‘watering’ our relationship limited and hurried. After my husband passed the CPA, he made a job change which required him to travel 20% of the year. So now, he wasn’t studying in the other room, he was a plane ride away in another city. Did I mention my husband hates to talk on the phone? Not a good formula for good communication.
Life and marriage was difficult, and my ideal of having a healthy, thriving marriage was regularly tested.
Despite all of these challenges, however, we were both committed to each other and decided to prioritize our marriage. Throughout this time, we learned a few strategies that worked for us:
We decided to be partners. From the beginning we decided to be equal partners. We chose to approach life as a team, with each of us valuing the other person’s strengths, talents, and opinions. We learned to ask the other person first before making big, medium, or even sometimes little decisions, as we were a team and wanted to include our teammate on all facets of our life together.
Love and Respect. In the first year of our marriage, we found ourselves fighting. A friend recommended the book ‘Love and Respect’ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and we decided that in all things – whether agreeing or fighting – that we wanted to treat each other with love and respect. These two values form the foundation of our relationship.
Money. We realized that money can either divide or unite us. Believe it or not, money has united us (most of the time). The first year of our marriage, we joined a Bible study about money called Crown Ministries. It was through this study that we realized the mountain of debt we owed. Together we organized our finances and made a plan to get out of debt. We both followed the plan which lasted years, even though it was hard many times. Because we have faced so many large financial mountains over a decade, we have experienced the joy of accomplishing and celebrating our financial goals together.
We make decisions based on our talents. We try to align chores and household tasks with our unique skill-sets and preferences. As a result, my husband buys the groceries because he is frugal, and I like to mow the lawn because I enjoy the exercise. We both enjoy cooking so most nights we take turns making dinner. However, just because we usually do one type of chore, doesn’t mean that we don’t jump in and help the other out when they need the assistance. For example, some weeks I go to the store because I have the time or my husband is busy with work. Or, my husband will mow and fertilize the lawn when I am out of town so it looks great when I get get back. Serving each other and thanking the other person when they go out of their way are important components of the relationship.
Critical conversations. Critical conversations are so important, because neither of us will ever be perfect. Fortunately I have a background in HR so every day at work I would practice how to address conflict in a respectful, professional way. I realized that this was a good way to handle conflict at home, too, so we established a way to approach conflict with each other in a respectful, caring way, that rarely involves yelling.
We pick ‘us’. It is so easy to want to live the way we lived in college as adults. However, adulthood brings so much responsibility that there is little time for play. Even though it is tempting to make plans with friends like we used to do before getting married and having children, we decided to intentionally spend time with our family. This does not mean that we are deprived as we both go on one guys or girls trip every year, and we regularly support the other on guy or girl nights, but it does mean that we want most of our vacation days and weekends to be spent with our immediate family.
We minimize screen time. Honestly, the biggest key to our relationship is that my husband and I hang out together each night. After we put the kids to bed, we pour ourselves something to drink and chat in the living room or on the front porch. Yes, we are tempted to play on our phones or watch TV and sometimes we do, but most nights we just enjoy an hour of catching up and dreaming about our weekend, vacation, or life.
Our marriage is not perfect, but we both daily decide that our marriage is worth it. I have heard that life is about picking our regrets. I have decided that I don’t want one of my regrets to be that I didn’t prioritize my marriage or give 100% to my husband. Because of these choices, we are thankful to be and remain each other’s best friend.
Kristen Spear has realized that she dances to the beat of her own music, and that others don’t seem to hear the same music. Born in Wichita, she has lived all over the world yet is proud to call Wichita home. She is married to Zac and they have a 3 year-old daughter and 6-year old son.
After working full time in HR for 10 years, she works part-time for a startup tech company and started her own HR consulting business. Her dream is to eventually become a speaker/writer. She loves exercise, cooking, reading, and getting together with people!
