Dadentity :: When Being “Dad” Isn’t Enough

DAD-EN-TI-TY:  noun. The state of being identified as a dad.  (also known as DAD IDENTITY).

My husband takes the cake every year when it comes to “Father of the Year”. He did the diaper changes and middle of the night feedings, laundry, chores around the house, grocery shopping, field trips for school, date nights and flowers frequently, and the man is a culinary genius! I adore my husband and what he does for our family, but it never occurred to me that maybe, we weren’t enough.

Take the bloody picture alreadyEarlier this year, he retired from law enforcement. It was a bittersweet time for us. Dreams of uninterrupted weekends, house projects, vacations and holidays together filled our minds and calendars. But then, the reality of no more sexy uniform and Kevlar ripping sounds at the end of a shift, or no more incomprehensible radio squelching during dinner hit us like a ton of bricks. He almost twitched when he heard sirens, desperate to find a radio that no longer resided on his waist or texting a colleague to see how he could help.

He lost that spark when he realized his cell phone going off in the middle of the night was no longer a call for him to come into work because a big case had broken. Leaving behind his brothers and sisters on the force was more like saying “good-bye” instead of “see you later”. Although the entire culture of his profession shifted during his tenure, his values and beliefs and never wavered. He loved being a cop, and now it felt as if he was divorcing that relationship. I should have been ecstatic when I got half of my closet back after he returned his gear, right? Nope. Something was off; he was miserable. He was struggling with re-entry.

SPatch

It became pretty obvious, that my husband viewed his self worth in his professional ability alone, not in himself as an individual or his role in our family. As a woman, I am quick to tout that I am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, reader, runner, DIY’er, etc., but my husband, when asked what he was, he always answered, “I’m a cop.” The end. Of course, if prompted he would expand on his family he loves dearly, but the conversation quickly shifted back to being a cop.

His identity was his profession.  Now, he was simply…Jeremy.

He was no longer a first responder, deputy, or detective. He was no longer lights and sirens, zero to 100 hundred, rush out the door into the rain, ice, wind, heat, or crisis to save the day. He was no longer nights, weekends and holidays, count me in to help fight crime – I’m your go-to-guy.

I thought losing his identity might have something to do with masculinity, so when I begrudgingly reminded him, “Being a cop is what you did, it isn’t who you are,” he looked at me as if I was crazy. I didn’t get it. He was struggling, and I was no where near helping. Why wouldn’t he brag that he takes such great care of me and our children? After, listening to Paul Harvey’s “Policeman”, I think I get it, now.

During this transition in our lives, the best I can do is be patient, remind him how needed he is, how his love, attention, skills and passion is what makes him a wonderful husband, father, friend, brother, uncle and son, chef extraordinaire, wood worker and Lego master builder.

And to remind myself, once a cop, always a cop – the badge never comes off.

 

Rachel Banning
Originally from the Wichita area, Rachel’s greatest adventure began 20 years ago when she married her husband. Together, they have one living child with Asperger’s (Dylan, ‘03) and one heavenly daughter with cerebral palsy (Mia, 2000-2013). She is a homeschool mom and business owner. Rachel is an unapologetic advocate for children of all abilities, a bookworm, and she will find any excuse to use her Kitchen Aid and wear Junior League red.