An Unexpected Beginning :: Motherhood and Postpartum Depression

The first few weeks with my precious son looked nothing like I had envisioned. I’d been told about postpartum depression in our childbirth classes and by my doctor, but I thought, “Oh, that won’t happen to me,” and quickly dismissed the warnings.  I was strong and healthy with no history of depression, so I was sure that I would experience nothing more than some mild “baby blues” and then transition flawlessly into motherhood.  I was wrong – I quickly spiraled into one of the most severe cases of postpartum depression my doctor had ever seen.

My labor went very smoothly, but then everything fell apart. My son ruptured one of my blood vessels on his way out, causing me to hemorrhage. I was severely anemic, so I received a transfusion and was discharged a couple days later. A few days later, I developed an endometrial infection which landed me back in the hospital.  After a course of strong antibiotics, I was discharged (again), and went home.

The next morning, postpartum depression hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’d never dealt with depression, nor had anyone I’m close to, so this was all new territory. I had terrible, dark thoughts which terrified me. I didn’t feel like myself anymore and felt disconnected from everyone and everything. I was scared to be alone, scared to be with my son, and I felt like I was spiraling into a dark hole with no way out. I barely ate for two weeks, was hospitalized again due to a bad reaction to some medication, and had a panic attack (another first for me) when the doctors sent me home for good.  It felt like the world was moving on without me, but I didn’t care.  I didn’t want to try anymore. I felt like a burden and thought everyone was doing just fine without me. It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t share all of this to try to shock or scare anyone, but to give a glimpse into the havoc that hormones can wreak.

Postpartum depression is a real, physical issue, and should be treated as such.

Most of the time, it’s not something that you can just “buck up” and push through.  You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg that they just need to try harder in order to get better, so why do we tell that to women dealing with postpartum depression? Treatment is readily available, and women shouldn’t be ashamed to pursue it.

I’m proud to say that I’m myself again – and even stronger than I was before. Through lots of prayer, therapy, antidepressants, and, most importantly, the support of my incredible husband, family, friends, and doctor, I’ve made it to the other side. Now I want to encourage other moms dealing with postpartum depression.  Postpartum depression and anxiety are completely hormonal and completely curable – mothers experiencing them have done nothing wrong and have not “caused” their conditions. There should be no shame in admitting the struggle and the need for help.

It’s truly terrible, but it does end. The struggles make the good times sweeter. And those good times will come, I promise. It gets better.