Dear Kids, I Was There – Even When I Wasn’t

mom guilt working momI am the ultimate taker-on of new challenges. My husband and I are always trying to figure out how to improve our overall lifestyles to be more financially secure, flexible, balanced–you know, all those things we all want as parents.  We recently started a new business, which demanded more of my time and attention than I’d hoped – “borrowing” especially from my family time. I know that in the scheme of things, it’s short-lived, but there have been and continue to be many days where I am left in shambles–agonizing over missing the morning routine because I left early or missing bedtime two nights in a row. In these times, I have worked and worked to remind myself that this is a short-term sacrifice for what I hope will be more long-term stability and flexibility for our family.  I can only hope my children know that, even when I was not there, they were always on my heart and the biggest part of my goals revolved around them.  Here is my open letter to them, hoping they might read it (or, in the case of the younger kids, read it someday) and understand why we’ve made some of the choices we have…

Dear Kids,

I know I haven’t been around as much as usual lately. Instead of leaving work early occasionally to go to the pool or park, I’ve arrived at daycare/latchkey well past 5:00 and in a flurry of leftover anxiety and stress from my day. Family dinners have often been dominated by business plans over school day tales. Bedtime has been more rushed.  Instead of three stories and two hugs, I’m sometimes checking my phone during our one and only story (that is, if I’m home). Instead of snuggling up for family movie night, I often have my laptop perched on my lap while you watch. Our normal morning routine has all-too-often been replaced by Daddy being the only parent at home when you wake up, because I’m already gone. Sitting here typing these words, my heart is breaking. I hate all of the missed moments, and I hate even more that there will be more to come.

I want you to know that Daddy and I have made these choices with the hope that once the new business is successful, we will have some income that doesn’t require so much of our constant time and attention as our regular day jobs. We hope that  this will ultimately give us the flexibility to take real family vacations lasting longer than 2 days. We hope that it will allow us to take days off to drive for field trips or stay home over Christmas break on a regular basis. We hope that, along with this extra responsibility, we will eventually have more control over our own lives and schedules.

We are about two months into the new business, and my schedule and life have never felt so out of my hands. I wonder daily if this was all a huge mistake and if, rather than freeing myself, I’ve only enclosed the walls around me even more.  Another email, class, client, or appointment pops up–and I sometimes feel like I’m drowning.  I wonder how I’ll ever keep my head above water. Then I think of you.

I envision a time where I don’t feel guilty for taking a day off from my day job to go on a long weekend out of town for traveling sports tournaments. I dream of a day when you’re sick and I can stay home to snuggle you without moving the moon and stars. I pray for a day where your field trip slip comes home and my stomach doesn’t drop, wondering if I’ll have such a full schedule that I’ll have to miss. When I think of being able to more consistently put you first, I persevere. I “suck it up,” as my mom would always say. I keep working and hoping that these short-term sacrifices will eventually lead to the long-term life that I dream of. These dreams, these future times with you–they are my daily motivation.

Someday, I hope you’ll understand. I hope you don’t resent me. I hope you’ll respect the choices I made, inherit a little of my ambition, learn from my mistakes, and do it better with your own children.  

But, most importantly, I hope you’ll understand that I was there, even when I wasn’t.

Love,

Mom/Jordan

Jordan Kieffer
Jordan is General Counsel for WMB and a regular contributor. She is also an attorney in private practice and the owner of Barre Forte Wichita. She grew up in the rural Butler County area and spent most of her childhood outdoors. She attended WSU for undergrad, followed by KU Law. The year before Jordan completed law school, she and her husband got married, making her a stepmom to three. They have since added two little ones, making a total of five fun and crazy kids! In her free time, Jordan can be spectating at the kids’ ball games, at the barre studio, horseback, or listening to audiobooks. She lives a blessed life and she's excited to share it with you!