Journey to Motherhood :: My Infertility Story

Every journey to motherhood is unique, each so compelling. Some of us have more difficult paths to navigate before reaching our final destination, while others follow the straight and narrow, hitting bumps further on down the road. For all of us, however, motherhood is a roller coaster that brings inexplicable joy and unavoidable pain, making us feel as if our hearts might leap right through our chests. To celebrate all of motherhood, we at Wichita Moms Blog are sharing our personal journeys. 

Infertility. 

Oops!

Did I say that word out loud?  We aren’t supposed to say that word are we?

At least that’s how it feels. We aren’t supposed to talk about it.

But it happens.

All.
The.
Time.

To LOTS of people.  It happened to me.

After a few years of marriage and living the free life, my hubs and I decided that we were “ready” (are you ever really ready?) to embark on the new adventure of parenting.

I talked to my doctor at my yearly exam and said that we were ready to try, and she gave a few thoughts and basically said, “Good luck.”

After a year, nothing.

I talked to my doctor again at my next yearly exam, and she told us not to worry and that there was nothing unusual about it. “A year is completely normal.” In my head, I was thinking, “umm…it doesn’t seem normal, everyone I know can have babies whenever they want. There are babies everywhere but here.” She asked us to try for a few more months and call back if it didn’t work.

Those months came and went. I began to worry, and so did our doctor. She started using the word.

That ugly, secret word – infertility.

It, for some reason, can be such a painful word. {As are most words that deal with loss.} And, my friends, infertility is loss. It is the loss of a “working” body, the loss of a “family of your own”, the loss of “what could have been”.

In our case, the “problem” lay with me. Either way, it is loss, and as my hubs and I found out, we had to deal with it like a loss. It was really hard on our marriage. We struggled with many things, but mostly we seemed to argue about my “brokenness” (he said I wasn’t broken and I kept apologizing for ruining things).

Finally, we decided to hash it all out, to talk about everything. It was a LONG talk. We went through denial, frustration, anger, sadness, just to name a few, and when we finally dealt with the real feelings we were both having, our marriage really got good.

And I was finally able to say three things about my “diagnosis”.

1. That I am NOT a failure.
2. That I am NOT inadequate.
3. That I am NOT somehow broken.

It took awhile…like three years, rounds of meds, tests and shots, and a decision to adopt to be able to say those words and replace them with new words.

1. I am exactly as I was planned to be (pregnant or not).
2. Our family would be exactly how it was planned to be (biological children or not).
3. My marriage is exactly as it was planned to be (period).

Things were just not the way I thought they should be. It is so, so hard when things aren’t how they should be or how we want them to be. I had this little picture in my mind of how old I would be, where we would live and how our little red-headed family would be just perfect.

Ugh, duh.

Reality check #1 – Life is not what we think it will be, often for the better.

I think part of me needed to get over my “perfect” picture before I was “ready” to get into parenthood. I learned so much about me and about my hubs and about my need for perfection through our struggle with infertility.

Reality check #2 – Prescriptions and doctors are not God.

They will not be able to answer, predict, diagnose or heal every problem. It turns out that, whatever my problem was, went undiagnosed with a, “Why aren’t you pregnant yet?” from a few doctors.

Reality check #3 – Sometimes things happen when you least expect them.

Ryan and I had closed the bank on the funds providing for specialists and infertility treatments. I also had to take a break from treatments per the doctor’s orders. We had heard about a little girl (3 months old) who needed a family in a bad way, and we decided to pursue adopting her. The very next morning, with no medicine, no shots, no intervention but the Divine, my guy took me to the ER because of the intense pain in my abdomen. The doctors ran some tests and came back with the question, “Did you know you are pregnant?”

Ummm…no.

And thus ended my infertility, and we have been outrageously happy with our ridiculously wonderful little miracle. But we will forever be a family who has felt the sting of brokenness and the longing of what may never be.

Infertility is not a label or a bad word. It is simply part of the human experience. It is something we should talk about. Something we should say. Something that is meant to remind us that our family will be exactly what it should be no matter how and when we become a family.

[box style=”rounded” border=”full”]This post is part of our Journey to Motherhood Mother’s Day Series. Read more posts from this series…[/box]