If your child potty trained themselves in just one day on the promise of fancy big girl/boy unders, congratulations! Your child is a toilet savant. These books are not for you. They’re for the rest of us. Publishers, here are some suggestions for potty training manuals we would like to see on the bookshelves::
1,001 Fun Things to Do While Sitting on the Bathroom Floor
If you’re going to spend a lot of time in the loo, you may as well make it awesome. This list will make you forget that potty training is dirty, tedious, boring work. Don’t go stir crazy! Buy this book to transform your bathroom hell into the time of your life.
The Eighteen Day Method
You may have heard of that other method. You know, the one that lets you believe potty training is job for a long weekend. You might even know someone who knows someone who says it kind of worked for them. This is not that book. This books dives deep into The Eighteen Day Method, the practical guide to potty training your toddler. You’ll get from diaper reliant to Target shopping without fear in just 742 easy steps. Take off those rose colored glasses, and know exactly what you’re signing up for. It’s the realist’s guide to easy, pain-free potty training.
This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: The Essential Guide to the Sitting Versus Standing Debate
Every “Boy Mom” needs this classic in her library. Full of handy diagrams, child approved visual aids and instructions, this book is destined to be a best-seller. The bonus edition includes a (laminated!) pull out guide called “How to Clean Pee Off Anything!”
Kingpin of the Can
A top Mob Boss shares all of his coercion secrets in this tell-all. The promise of a single M&M didn’t work? Do you need to reassert your authority? Your strong-willed child is no match for these ruthless tactics. You’ll be so skilled at bribery your kid will think potty training was their idea.
The “I Don’t Have to Go” Cookbook
Compel even the most stubborn child to use the potty using kitchen trickery. From fiber to hydration this cookbook includes everything you need to know to manipulate your child’s bathroom habits for potty training success. Cook up wild concoctions that make breaking the seal inevitable. You’ve never seen prunes cooked like this before!
Turnpike Tinklers
Do you have an upcoming Road Trip and a newly potty trained toddler? This manual will help you hit the road with Junior in no time. Helpful hints include:
- Deciphering if you have moments or minutes until nature calls
- Identifying roadside poison ivy
- A pull-out map to the least disgusting rest stops and gas stations on America’s highway system
How to Keep Friends & Not Gross People Out
Inspired by the international best seller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, this version is a must read for any potty training parent who must communicate with anyone who is not also the parent of a toddler. Chapters include: ‘TMI- A Reminder About What Shouldn’t Go on Social Media,’ ‘Acceptable Recipients for a Text Containing the Poop Emoji,’ and ’99 Small Talk Topics that Don’t Include Genitals.’
Combatting Potty Training Stress Disorder
Not to be confused with the actual PTSD (a serious condition affecting many combat veterans and survivors of severe trauma), Potty Training Stress Disorder is an affliction plaguing parents and their children on the road to underwear. This tongue-in-cheek guide offers you warnings about possible triggers: when the not-so-subtle cash register automatically spits out Pull Ups coupons, braggadocios Facebook posts about potty trained one year olds, and yet another Pinterest suggested pin about potty training. Adult onset symptoms include: avoiding public places and social situations, increased consumption of wine, and desperation. Pediatric symptoms include: extreme bladder and bowel control, hiding, squatting, hallucinations of monsters in the toilet. Don’t despair- this book will help you on the road to recovery.
Moving to a Nudist Colony for Dummies
Are you ready to throw in the towel? Is nearly potty-trained good enough? This step-by-step guide will walk you through the process of throwing your life away to move to a nudist colony in a temperate climate. Your child can romp all day in the wild like the animal that they are. No indoor plumbing (or pants) necessary!
Ginny,
Thanks for your post on potty training – and I absolutely agree that Wichita is the greatest place to raise a family (that’s why we are trying to move there).
I would like to add that there should be a potty training book on how to potty train kids with special needs, in particular high functioning autism. Our son Jack is autistic and we are lucky that he is potty training fairly easily. But, during today’s potty time he smeared poo everywhere during an exciting hand-flapping moment when watching Dora (something involuntary that he and many autistics do when excited). He suddenly stood up from the potty, poo hitting the floor, and stepped in it as he flapped to the TV. I just had to laugh. Yes, he got the potty out and pooped in it all by himself, but the poor boy just couldn’t hold back his excitement over his favorite TV show.
A humorous, yet graceful, book on potty training these kiddos could be a helpful and entertaining read!
Thanks!