It’s Not Teething, It’s You :: Dealing with Stranger Anxiety

TeethingI think we can all agree, teething is pretty awful. A never ending cycle of fussy days and sleepless nights while eagerly awaiting a tooth to breakthrough your baby’s swollen gums. (What’s the metaphor about how a watched pot never boils?) But, to be fair, teething is not always the culprit for why your baby is not cheerful and giggly on your daily adventures. Sometimes it may be an ear ache or growing pains or a random Tuesday; and sometimes it’s because your child has stranger anxiety.

As a stay-at-home mom with just one babe, we try to get out and do something social every day. However, over the last few months, my “social butterfly” will cling anxiously to me when a stranger approaches and engages with either of us.  A simple conversation with the sweet lady checking us at out at the library will produce real tears and a state of panic for my daughter.  This scenario has played out many times and in many places for us and it always ends by me apologizing and soothing my daughter while the stranger mutters the phrase, “It must be teething.” As we quickly bolt away, in my head I think, “Nope, it’s you.”

Most babies will experience some degree of stranger anxiety. This is good news! It means they recognize there is a difference between mom and the stranger in the grocery aisle, and they would rather hang out with you.  It is also a sign of emotional development and healthy attachment. So, while you will not be able to establish a four-foot perimeter diverting potential interactions, there are a few things you can do to abate the anxiety your child may feel towards new people.

Stranger anxiety 1Initiate the conversation with others: If you are first to greet and engage the stranger, your child may feel more comfortable with the person. They will follow your cues to engaging with others.

Provide comfort and reassurance:
Don’t compromise the attachment your child has with you just spare another’s feelings. Respect your child’s emotions; the situation will not improve if you dismiss or ignore their feelings.

Give it time: Your child may just need a few extra minutes to study the new person. Minimize distractions and allow the child time to warm up to them in their own way. Be patient and know it may take a while or even multiple interactions with the same person until they are comfortable. In the meantime, let the person know this is part of development and an increased awareness of your child’s environment (And, no, it’s not because they are a mama’s girl). This can be difficult for relatives to accept when the child does not go to them easily.  It is not personal.

Stranger anxiety 2Stay social: Stranger anxiety, for most children, generally subsides at 18 months of age. Keep your child active, providing abundant opportunities to meet new people. Being social active fosters strong communication skills, confidence, and intuition essential for lessening anxiety. Prepare your child ahead time that they will be seeing new faces and things.

And, if you ever you find yourself on the reverse side where you have just triggered an epic meltdown by simply smiling at the child across the table from you, don’t fret, just blame it on teething 😉

Tomi Dechant
Tomi is a mover, shaker, and baby maker - which means she enjoys a good dance party in the kitchen and is a mom to two monsters of her own creation. Tomi is from Kansas and is currently a Political Science instructor and author of the children's book, How to Make a Monster Smile.