Thank you to Heartland Women’s Group Gynecology and Obstetrics Services for sponsoring this post and to Dr. Hague for sharing her expertise with our community of moms.
I have two children. I am in the phase of life where they can dress themselves, make their own breakfast, and pack their own lunch.
I am not, however, far from the phase where they were very dependent on me and their father to do all of the above!
It is very difficult to be the mother of young children and feel like you have a normal life.
At times, it seems like you will never again have a full night’s sleep, leave the house without breastmilk on your shirt, or go to the bathroom alone. As a medical provider caring for women, I get to laugh and joke with my patients about the craziness of motherhood on a daily basis. I also see them tearful and frustrated when they start to feel like their relationship with their partner is suffering as a result of the demands of mothering. Specifically, sexuality is sometimes pushed to the back-burner and regaining this part of life seems a daunting task.
Women are tired, emotionally drained and often feel like they are being pulled in many different directions.
They can feel disconnected from their partners because of their new role as mother and difficulty figuring out how to balance everything. Sometimes they feel they are just “surviving” with a baby who is colicky. If you are a mother of young children, let me assure you that you are not alone if you are experiencing the things I just described. As a survivor (I say this only half-joking!), I can tell you things do get more normal with time. There are some things that you can do to reconnect with your partner and begin moving toward better intimacy. First, communicate your frustration with your significant other. If your intimate life has decreased during this time, he has certainly noticed and may feel like he is the only one who misses that closeness. If you are avoiding intimacy because of pain, see a qualified health provider for evaluation. If you lack desire, which is quite normal during this time in life, realize there are things you can do that may help. Changing up your routine can make a difference.
For the working moms, we come home after working all day, take care of the kids, work on our to-do list, then collapse in bed with no energy left for intimacy. You may need to consider coming home, taking care of the kids, spending intimate time with your spouse, and then doing any chores you need to get done. One mom I spoke to recently decided that twice a week, right after getting the kids to bed, she and her husband would be intimate. She felt like this energized her marriage and caused a deeper bond with her husband. He started to see the pattern and happily did the dishes while she put the kids to bed, allowing them more time together. By the way, you may mention to your husband that doing laundry and dishes is actually good foreplay!
Remind yourself that you used to hurry through your day, forsaking time with friends or family to spend time with your man. Reminisce about things that used to be fun or exciting that you did together and plan a date night with this in mind. Get a sitter or leave the kids with family. It is important that they see you maintaining your priorities, including a healthy relationship with your mate.
Dr. Melissa Hague is a board certified obstetrician and gynecologist who practices at Heartland Women’s Group in Wichita, Kan. Dr. Hague specializes in robotic surgery, laparoscopic surgery, uterine prolapse, incontinence, high risk obstetrics, adolescent gynecology, female sexual dysfunction and symptoms, including low sexual drive and sexual pain. She received her doctorate and completed her residency at the University of Kansas School of Medicine. For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 316-858-7100 or visit www.heartlandwomensgroup.com.
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