Dear Mama Who Feels Overwhelmed,
Let me preface this by saying I have it all together approximately zero percent of the time. Even on days when I feel like I could conquer the world because we made it to bedtime without a massive derailment in our plans or attitudes (because toddlers), I still have times that I think, “I could have done that differently.”
Thus is the journey of motherhood, and I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Maybe you’re learning right along with me? On days when I’m struggling with loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, or tempted to be discontent with my circumstances, I try to keep these 4 things in mind…
Find (and Keep) Your Tribe
Moving 7 times to 3 states in 10 years made it difficult for me to meet new people and establish friendships. Thankfully, I met a friend who didn’t accept my “we are only here for 6 more months” talk, and the friendship we built during that time has been essential to my sanity. She has become my “person” – the friend I call to share the good, bad, ugly and hilarious. The friend who understands that the fact I haven’t texted back only means I am crazy-busy and her text is the one I don’t need to return because she will love me anyway. The friend who will look me straight in the eye and tell me that “Yes. Those pants do make your booty look ginormous” or will tell me when I am acting like a crazy person. This friend? She is an integral member of my tribe. Girlfriends like these have been especially important as I became a mama. I mean, who else understands the day in, day out marathon that is mothering? Mamas, find your tribe and grow those friendships.
Expectations: Keep Them in Check
My first year as a teacher, the mom of a little boy in my class gave me the best marital advice. Upon learning the journey my husband and I were on, she pulled me aside and said (I’m paraphrasing here) “When you become a mom, you need to pretend you are doing it alone–that anything he does to help you is a bonus. If you don’t, you will resent him. Because, when he is home he isn’t really home. His mind is on the patient who isn’t getting better, or the family he just had to break terrible news to, or the test he has to pass…” It was a few years after hearing her words of wisdom that I became a mama and realized that more than anything she meant to keep my expectations in check. After all, those babies can make or break you! Her advice helped me to see that managing my ideas of how life should look was half the battle.
Work Smarter, Not Harder
Housework. Oh the housework. Growing up, we learned early that “if you have time to sit, you have time to work.” That sounds harsh, but watching our single-mom work three jobs while raising three kids was a powerful example of doing what needs to be done. She was the queen of multitasking and taught us that you never leave a room empty-handed as there is always something you can help make better before you leave. Something you can tidy, something you can wipe, something misplaced you can return. She taught us that by working smarter, not harder and little by little doing what needs to be done right when it needs to be done the insurmountable mess of keeping up with the housework becomes a little less daunting. It really applies to all of life, though, doesn’t it?
Give Grace (to Others and Yourself!)
Grace upon grace. It is so true that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. The day my mom passed away we were out of milk. I found myself in the grocery store walking the aisles. Outside, I looked like a normal mama out getting milk for her family. Inside, I was barely able to breathe. As I paid, the cashier asked how my day was–a stock question she probably asked everyone. It wasn’t until she saw my face that she knew something was not okay. I think about her in that moment, because how could she know? She couldn’t. She didn’t know that after 9 days in the hospital our beloved mama’s fight was coming to an end. That the moment I left the store and dropped off the milk to my young children at home, I was headed to the ICU to see her for the last time. How could she know? It was a huge lesson for me, and I keep it with me always.
Grace. Give it over and over and over again.
Love,
Someone Who’s Been Where You Are (and Survived)
Before the Industrial Revolution, mothers of young children would have extended family nearby, if not in the same household. This overwhelming loneliness in motherhood is the byproduct of modernization.
My kids are teens now, but their little years were so isolating. When you’re isolated, everything seems worse, and ones own perception of “normal” is skewed….normal patience, normal clean house, normal meals…we start to judge ourselves so harshly.
I burst into tears more than once in a grocery store check-out line. Nice read. Thanks.
I had to share this on my personal facebook page. After reading this I felt like I found a letter that I wrote to myself. Thank you for mirroring my internal struggle for perfection, the mental and emotional battle for support and doing it alone despite having some anchors (friends) who give of themselves willingly.