Back to Work :: Relief vs. Guilt

Today was my first day back at work after baby number two. It has been approximately 10 weeks since I have made my daily contribution to the minds of today’s youth. Well, at least those youths outside of my immediate blood relation because if we count my blood relations, I have given of my sweat, milk, and tears (for real) every day.

And that is why I write today. I’m conflicted.

My sweet babe is now 10 weeks old, and today was his first day of daycare. I shed not a tear. I came close twice, but I am ashamed that it didn’t happen. With baby number one, I cried all the way to work and had to put my make-up on in the bathroom, like a high school student hiding her make-up wearing habit from her parents.

But to be honest, I am relieved.

Relieved to be back at work.
Relieved to once again be in the presence of adults who speak to me like an adult.
Relieved to have my classroom full of students back.
Relieved to get up and get going every morning.
Relieved to be getting paid again.
Relieved to become a happy mommy again.
I am a teacher and I love my job.

However, I have guilt – lots of guilt.

Because for some reason, that seems to be what moms do. Working moms don’t just “clock out”. We feel guilty – about everything.

Guilty about what we see other moms are doing that we’re not doing.
Guilty about taking our kids to daycare and not staying home.
Guilty about not taking more time with “just the big kid” today, so she was up at 4:30 looking for Momma Time.
Guilty about feeling good about taking our kids to daycare.
Guilty about needing to be a working momma to be a good momma.
Guilty about waking my kids up before they seem ready to be up.
I am a momma and I love my job.

Both of my jobs.

I love my job as a momma to my two amazing children. Sometimes they make me question my sanity, but I love them more than words can say. More so, I love what they are making me become. Motherhood has changed me without a doubt, and I love the changes. I love my job as a grown-up working outside my home – again at times sanity questions arise – but I love the person it makes me. I have changed in this job, become more of who I want to be, and I worked hard to get here.

So here I sit typing this little pity party, trying to figure out how to balance my relief and my guilt. Now you know my heart and my struggle. I find myself thinking what I really need to do is accept what and who I am. I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” to be exactly who I was created to be. And friends, so were you.

We need to embrace it.
We need to live it.
We need to love it.

There will always be guilt. There will always be relief. There will always be everything all jumbled up and messy. But that crazy makes it all worth it. I want to be both. I can be Momma and Mrs. Frasier. And the guilt will be nothing in 20 years, because it all makes me a better me and my kids will love me for that.

working mom guilt