I used to think I knew how to meaningfully help other moms during difficult times.
I was wrong.
Let’s start with the basics: moms are terrible at asking for help. We wear our mom badge with pride, and asking for help means we are failing. We think other moms are going to look at us differently or judge us. After experiencing heart issues soon after my first child was born, I had no idea where to turn for help. My body was fried and now included a defibrillator that I was terrified would go off at any moment. I didn’t know where to begin – but something amazing happened. I didn’t have to begin, because my friends did it for me. They literally forced me to prevail when I wasn’t sure I could. I will forever be grateful to these women, and here are some things I learned from them about how to help a mom in need.
Don’t ask; just do.
I didn’t ask a single friend for help. Not one. I wasn’t brave enough to admit that I needed it (yes, stupid). Yet they appeared with meals daily, texted me to check in, and stayed with me when my husband had to travel. I didn’t know what I needed and had they asked to help me, I would have said “no”. I’m thankful they just appeared. Two of my girlfriends would even send their mom over during the day to clean my house, wash bottles and make me lunch. Amazing.
It’s OK to tell her that everything is not OK.
I am so guilty of this. Someone I know goes through a difficult time and I tell them “It’s all going to be alright. I’ll pray for you, you’ll get through this and life will be normal again”. No. I truly appreciated the friends that told me how much what I was going through sucked and that life would be different. It was the truth. I needed it to be confirmed by someone else. Otherwise I would have made myself crazy trying to rationalize how my new life was the same as my old one.
Be there for the long haul.
When something bad happens to a fellow mom, there is the initial period of attention where everyone wants to help and provide condolences. This is wonderful and necessary, but hard things in life don’t even begin to sink in until this phase is long gone. I’m guilty of assuming my friends are OK again, because quite frankly, they haven’t told me otherwise. Reality doesn’t begin to set in until all of the people are gone, and it is just you in your house, with you mind on overdrive. Initial help is important, but be in it for the long haul with your friends. Don’t assume they are alright because time has passed. I’m grateful for the friends that were still checking in on me months later. Even a simple “How are you today?” text goes a long way.
Love her children.
This might sound strange, but when you go through trauma, it is hard to give your children as much love as they deserve. Your mind is all over the place and not always where it should be. Nothing made my heart more full than the friends that would come over and take care of my son and love him as if he were their own. I was giving most of my strength to recovering and was so grateful others could show him unconditional love when I couldn’t.
How did your support system help you through a difficult life experience or trauma?
