I love the saying that your children are your heart beating outside of you. It is so true. When you have a child, your heart grows. You feel love you never thought possible. But with that love can come very strong feelings. We want to protect them from everything.
But we can’t.
Many moms are blessed with perfect genes. They have no health issues, easy full-term pregnancies and their children have perfect health. I want to be that mom, but I’m not. Many of us bear crosses that are heavy when it comes to our children. Perhaps it’s a miscarriage, fertility struggles, a pre-term delivery, a stillborn, a genetic disorder and the list goes on and on. But there’s something that comes with all of it that is difficult for others to understand.
There’s nothing we could have done differently. We know that. But watching your child struggle because your body failed is heart wrenching. It hits you in the gut and takes your breath away. Each time I take my son to see the cardiologist, I feel physically ill. Because there’s nothing I can do and my poor genes have given him a disease I would give anything to take away. It keeps you up at night and keeps you questioning “why”. Lord, please tell me why. Help me understand the lesson I need to learn from this.
Many moms might not understand, but to my tribe that does, you’re not alone. I sit in the shower and cry along with you so no one can hear the heavy sobs. I act brave with you because I have to, but not because I feel it. I answer all of the questions that make me want to crawl into a hole, and some days I want to ask people to stop asking. I stay awake at night with you praying for things to be different. I do my best to trust God’s plan, but sometimes don’t understand it. I hold my child tight and break into tears sometimes when we’re alone, just as you do. And I know I’m a blessed mom to be able to hold my child like so many of you can’t today.
Take comfort that our tribe is larger than you might think. Know that so many of us are holding it together because we have to, yet we constantly feel the numbing pain. We feel like we sound like a broken record confiding in our friends over and over again, and hate that we can never seem to make them really understand. We need to talk to someone that understands. Another woman that knows what it’s like to feel our guilt. I pray mama that you find your person. The fellow mom that knows what you’re going through. This is a tribe we wish we were not a part of. One that requires heartbreak and pain prior to initiation. Although it is a heavy tribe, I promise you aren’t alone. We are strong women and we will lift each other out of the darkness. Our journeys might not seem as perfect as some others, but they are still beautiful.