Raising a Strong-Willed Child Without Losing Your Mind

Nothing prepares you for life with a strong-willed child. You would think they’d come out with manuals or at least a warning sign that says “Be Strong.”  I know I was stubborn as a child, and my mom prayed at night for me to have a child that was twice as difficult as I was. Of course she takes that statement back each time I call her crying about my son’s latest episode.

I’ve read the articles and bought the books. And while some theories seem to make sense, most of those “rules” go out the window as I’m trying to hold myself together during my son’s third meltdown of the week. Let’s talk about what REALLY happens to my emotional state when he proceeds to have a meltdown about having to wear his team t-shirt to his first t-ball game.

strong willed child
image via she knows.com

The Stages of My Emotional Being ::

1. Confidence – You told him that he has to wear the shirt to play in the game and you are sticking to that. He can’t cry and scream forever. You are the adult and you WILL win this. May the mommy force be with you. 

2. Frustration – My confidence is being overcome with anger. WHAT just happened?!  We were 3 steps from the door.  And now, meltdown lane. No you cannot sit down on the ground and cry with him.  

3.  Self-pity – Why me?!  Why now? I simply wanted to go to the game, have family time, sit on the bleachers with the other moms and take unhealthy amounts of pictures of my handsome little baseball player. Doesn’t he know I worked all day and I’m exhausted? (Cue the tears)

4. Jealousy – Why can’t he be like our friends’ kids? They listen to their mom. They respect her. They don’t have meltdowns on the way to baseball. I wonder if she would notice a child swap?  

5. Guilt – What is your problem!? He is 4. He has been at the first day of summer camp without a nap and he is probably exhausted. This is YOUR fault.  

If you’ve experienced any of these emotions, let me reassure you that you are not alone.  The books are correct – you have to work on consistency, structure and follow through but in that moment, you are only human and you may need to write your own rules.

Here’s what I’ve learned to be important for us when dealing with a strong-willed child::

1) Prevent the opportunity for an episode – My son likes to be in control of his time.  For example, if he was playing on the playground and it was time to go, we’d just pack up and tell him it was time to go. We found ourselves battling meltdowns every time we approached a situation like this. Someone made the simple suggestion of giving him a timer and letting him know he had 5 more minutes.  This was a LIFE CHANGER for us!

2) Don’t make empty “threats” – If you find yourself in a situation where you are taking something away or punishing them for their behavior, follow through. If you give in, no matter how big or small, you are slowly losing ground. This is probably one of the hardest things for me. In the past, I’d tell him things like “if you don’t stop, you aren’t going to have your birthday party this weekend.” I knew I wasn’t canceling his birthday party and so did he. Therefore, to him, it was a crapshoot if I was actually going to follow through on his suggested punishment, and he had the upper hand.

3) Find their weakness – this ties into number two. We’ve been consistent with the punishment of timeout in his room in 10 minute increments. For our son, we could take his toys away, take t-ball away, take television away and none of it makes as big of a difference to him as time away from us. Once we figured this out, we started consistently going to time out, and we were able to follow through because we had a game plan and he knew that we were serious. Spending the entire evening in your room gets to be pretty boring.

4) Be on the same page – If you are co-parenting, it is so important to be on the same page.  Make sure that both of you know what the game plan is when an episode presents itself. Whatever the plan is, just make sure you both know it and agree.

5) Try not to yell – As an emotional person, this is one that I really have to work at. It can be very frustrating when you feel helpless and you just want your child to listen and do as you say but I’ve witnessed it many times – yelling at him doesn’t make him magically do what I’ve asked, it just makes the situation worse.  During the t-shirt meltdown I called my mom and she said “just don’t yell.  It’s one thing I wish I could take back.  You were just like him and I yelled.”  It’s obviously something you will carry with you for a long time.

Do you have a strong-willed child? How do you deal? 

Lacey Mills
Lacey is mom to her one and only kiddo, an ornery, adorable 5 year old named Easton and has been married for 10 years to her husband, Justin. Originally from Hutchinson, she moved to Wichita to finish her bachelor's degree in marketing from Wichita State University. Her husband's job took them to Maine for a few years until they settled down just north of Wichita for a quiet, small town life. Lacey works full-time as the Director for a non-profit foundation and balances career with family, friends and all things craft-related. She loves to scrapbook, quilt (yes, she said quilt), craft, throw parties, drink wine and spend a conceivably, unhealthy amount of time on Pinterest.

14 COMMENTS

  1. Nice post. This is me all. the. time. And *woo hoo* I have 2 strong willed children. 🙂 So now I’m dealing with it all over again with the little one. I have thought every single one of these things so it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    • Thanks, Kendra! Easton will be an only child because I’m not sure I want to tempt fate and have two strong-willed kiddos. 😉 I’m sure I won’t be given anything more than I can handle but it might just require an extra glass of wine each week. 🙂

      • Great article Lacey! I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way about only having one strong-willed kiddo. No matter how much my mom reassures me that you’re only given as much as you can handle. Oh and that my daughter “needs” a sibling. I think I may have to try the 10 min in her room. I don’t think we’ve found her weakness yet but that may be it. Do you have him just sit on a chair or he just has to stay in his room? How old was he when you started this?

        • Maria, my mom says the SAME thing! We’ve tried anything and everything that we thought he would be sad to lose but being away from us and “the action” has been his thing. At first, we sent him to his room and let him come out when he cooled off but that was still in his court so we moved it to a firm 10 minutes and if he keeps throwing a fit, we add 10 more minutes (and stuck to it). At first, he was in his room for a what seemed like an eternity but now he knows we mean it and typically will go right to his room after the first 10 minute time out is issued. We started this when he was about 4 1/2 and it’s stuck. He just has to stay in his room, no chair but we have a playroom for him so he doesn’t have toys to entice him. If you have toys in your kiddos room, the chair might be the way to go.

  2. Great article. My strong willed monster is now a lovely pleasant 24 year old law student. I guess the one thing I would add is accept that public scenes are going to be a part of your life. Embrace them, otherwise the little dickens will sense your fear of a public scene. Oh and when you got out to eat, ALWAYS have cash on hand to pay the bill for those times when you have to leave in a hurry…………. because you know ‘public scenes’

    • GREAT advice, Jan! I can definitely say that I used to be embarrassed about public scenes but as time has gone on, I’m embracing them more (as well as strategically avoiding them) and it has made a difference in his behavior. Chuckling right now at a Target scene a month or so ago. We had a neighbor girl with us that is 8 and she was mortified! I’m so glad to hear that your son has grown up to be successful and driven. I hope that my husband and I get to tell the same type of story many years from now. 🙂

  3. Thank you!! I totally needed this today. My 3 1/2 year old has been such a challenge lately. Anything I ask or want her to do .. She’s not doing it without a fight. So thankful to know that I’m not alone in this and that I’m not the only completely exhausted parent. Hanging in there with you.. 🙂

  4. I too have a strong willed child. A lot of things you are sayingn i wish I had figured out by age 4! GO you! My son is 7. Here is what I’ve figured out. Schedule! He had a white board with his week on it. It helps him be ready for whats next. I put his clothes away matched up as outfits. That way if he insists on that shirt I hate, at least he looks put together. Lastly, never let him see you waiver. Many days I’m crying inside and want to fold, but I never tip my hand in front of him. I go in the bathroom, wad up a towel over my face, and let it all out. As long as he thinks I’m tougher than he isn we have a shot at getting that haircut accomplished or getting to hockey on time, ect.

  5. ME, TOO! (all of it) My daughter is 5 1/2. Very recently I was told, unequivocally, “Mom, do you know why I don’t want to wear those gold shoes? BECAUSE you want me to, that’s why.”

    SHE’S FIVE AND A HALF.

    I have to take time to breathe. A lot.

  6. Melissa – you’re not alone! It’s been amazing to see the moms (and dads) that can relate to this article.

    Alli – I think maybe strong-willed kids are just Type A personalities in disguise. My son does better with a schedule and his clothes laid out. He likes a plan. It helps us avoid meltdowns! I’ve spent many days in the bathroom or in a hidden place either screaming to myself or crying. Next time I’ll use a towel. LOL! 😉

    Kristen – I’m breathing with you…in…and out. 😉

  7. I have 2 very strong willed boys. My oldest is 5 and we have not found his true weakness yet. Taking toys away doesn’t work, time out enrages him, and loss of privleges doesn’t work either. I should also add though that both our boys have Fragile X Syndrome (Autism Spectrum). Quite often my husband and I feel helpless. My 2 year old will actually do the time out, but it takes a series of several timeouts before he will do what he was asked (pick up the gold fish you dumped on the floor). They are such beautiful, energetic, loving boys too. But, at times, it’s a constant battle. Does anyone on here have any experience with Fragile X that could give us suggestions to try? We are still learning about it.

  8. I want to add, the timeout for the dumped goldfish was because instead of picking it up he throws it around and starts finding other things to throw, all because he doesn’t want to pick it up. We are not over zealous with timeout.

  9. Ah,yes. I raised a strong willed child. I tried everything to no avail. When she was 13 she told me that she would take whatever punishment I gave her, but she was STILL going to do whatever she pleased. What’s a Mom to do? She’s now 37 and finally realizing that those choices she made were lifetime choices and Mom was right most of the time. Unfortunately, she could have saved herself a lot of grief is she’d just listened to me. Stay strong Moms and keep praying for ’em. Choose your battles well.

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